Today was a very interesting day to say the least. For the past couple of days I have been fighting back this feeling that things were a bit disconnected between Chancho and myself. Unfortunately the emotions won that battle. I broke down and first I got mad and then I started bawling my eyes out. We had a very serious conversation about where our relationship was going and it doesn't look good. Chancho doesn't know where to begin when it comes to fixing our situation. As you all know time is a valuable thing in a relationship and when you're a cop there is very little of it to be passed around. Chancho doesn't believe that there can be enough time for me to be in his life with me being happy and treated the way that I need to be treated. The thought of this crushes my heart. I have been trying my best to be patient, even though that is not my strong point. But the one thing that I am good at is being flexible and I am more than willing to flex in anyway possible to make this work out so we are both happy.
The problems that have developed are that he doesn't have time for his family #1. They are the most important people in his life and he has been letting them be put aside to spend time with me and I feel very guilty about this. I am willing to sacrifice time for him to spend with them. #2 the time that we spend together hasn't been quality time, it's just time spent in each others presence. (I'll blame the Yankees on that one for right now.) #3 Chancho feels we are so far into trouble that he doesn't know where to start and if it is even fixable.
The solution. I realize that there is no quick fix. The change will not come over night and I am not expecting that. What I am asking of, from the both of us, is that we take baby steps, whatever those may be, so that we can get back to a mutual happy ground for us to rebuild a stronger relationship. I feel that if we focus on the time that we spend together as quality time then things can get better. Priorities need to be set for him so he can manage his time better. ( My thoughts are that he sleeps less!)
My fears. I am terrified that he isn't willing to put up a fight for us. That he is ready to just walk away and let our relationship go, that I am not worth it.
I am sorry for putting this all out there, but I am desperate for some advice on how you all manage to keep things in order. As I see it, it really is about the time issue. If it's something else, I am unaware of it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to start going about getting back on track it would be greatly appreciated.
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First off, don't apologize. That's why we're here.
ReplyDeleteAs far as keeping things in order? It can be such a crapshoot. I think that sometimes guys would rather run from the problem (if it deals with emotions) rather than stay and fight it out. Even though we see this as us being "not worth it" that is far from the truth. If they didn't care, they wouldn't even struggle with the walking away. I think maybe the problem is they care too much and it's frightening.
I know you're looking for "how-tos", but seriously, it's sometimes just luck of the draw. I understand you wanting to make sure his family and his other needs are number 1, but sometimes that leaves you putting yourself at #7 or #8 or #15 and it just gets worse. I truly believe family, you and job should take turns being #1. And not a set schedule, but each one is important in it's time. And I didn't notice, but by family you mean children? If it's anything else, my opinion is that those things take a back seat to a relationship. Sorry... I'm probably in the minority, but when I chose to be with my husband, my parents/siblings became second to him. I adhere to the "cleve to your spouse" mindset.
Anyway, long and useless but you're just going to have to talk in tiny tiny manageable chunks. Tell him you simply want 10 minutes, set a timer and at stick to one topic. Each time he makes it through the 10 minutes and it's not tooo painful, he'll be more willing to do it.
And, as always, I suggest people (married or not) go to mortfertel.com and subscribe to the first of his series of emails... about 15 if I remember. Some very, very powerful relationship ideas there.
Peace to you. Never hesitate to reach out directly either. I'm here at meadowlarkgurl(at)gmail(with a dot)com.
sorry to hear about this.Perhaps and I know you might have to drag him there how about a marriage /relationship counselor? A third unbias opinion might help? You should make sure its a man so they don't think its a womans opinion again.Second my hubby and I talk everynight before we go to bed.EVEN if its nothing important.I try my best to do special things for him and just live my life with the kiddies.He see's all the things we do and wants to be apart of that.If those other people you talk about are children perhaps you can plan outings for them that include you.so you all can be closer.One thing I learned is that its never 50/50 someone is always giving more or doing less....The object is that it isn't always one sided.And don't think your not worth it.If he loves you he will do what it takes. It's a decision to choose where and with whom you want to be with. No one does anything if there isn't something they get outta it.So what is he getting out of the relationship?LOVE,companionship,etc...KEEP THE FAITH GIRL,the rough patches make the goodtimes that much sweeter!
ReplyDeleteThank you both so much! You have restored a bit of faith in me. The family that I speak of are his mother, sister and grandmother. He is a momma's boy and speaks to her about 7-10 times a day on the phone. His grandmother is also here visiting from Peru and his main concern is that he hasn't been able to spend any time with her yet since she's arrived. I would not have any problem with us all meshing together to spend time together, except I don't speak Spanish and it often times makes things more difficult. It is something that will have to be discussed I suppose.
ReplyDeleteMeadowlark: I really like the 10 minute timer idea. I'll give that a try!
Mrsofficer: Thank you for the encouraging words! I can now go in to a talk with more hope and faith that it will turn out alright.
Thank you again for your support!
I'm sorry you've hit a rough patch right now!!
ReplyDeleteI think what Meadowlark and Mrs. Officer have said is really great. I don't know if I could add anything at all to that, but I have noticed that the time issue seems to be the big thing in common with all the police wives/girlfriends. Sometimes HF seems to do really well balancing everything, other times it's the worst! And we don't see eye to eye. You seem like such a nice and supportive girlfriend that's way laid back so hopefully this is just one of those rough patches that everyone hits along the way as you grow closer to one another and figure out the future. I'm glad you posted about this. Not many people can handle a relationship with an officer, and you've got what it takes. He's lucky to have someone like you. I hope you guys work it all out and figure out the right solution. I know I probably didn't say anything that helps, but there's lots of pw's that can relate and listen.
lol I know that MOMMA"S boy feeling! My hub's is the baby in the family and we live down the street about 5 houses away from the INlaws! yes 5!he talks to her everyday and visits EVERYDAY! and so do the kids.I don't mind because if he treats momma good,that means he will treat you good!I get the language barrier thing but if you show effort getting to know them,perhaps say HOLA como estas? To momma I bet your bf will fall more inlove with you.RESPECT is big in Latin families.My grandma use to make me serve my hubby before she past, I hated it, but I wouldn't dare tell her that!lol and my hubs loved it!errrr
ReplyDeleteMy bf is an leo and also in the guard, talk about having very little quality time together...I have learned to appreciate any time he can give me at all, so far this year I have only been in the same room with him twice, yes twice. Maybe I'm too understanding, I've had more than one person tell me that I should just walk away, but he is very important to me and I don't want to give up on him. I feel that when you love someone, you do whatever you can to make things work.
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