The Ripple Effect

Today was a...not so great day. No matter how hard I tried to look at the brighter side or remind myself that whatever was bothering me was small compared to what other people were facing, I just couldn't get myself out of the grumpy, cranky, stomp my feet mood. I think I'm burnt out. I had a 47 hour work week. The first of my new availability taking effect. I think this may have been a bad choice. Bad in the way that my feet hurt, I don't have my down time, and I was thrown into it. There was no gradual increase in hours.
Everything today annoyed me. Then it irritated me. Then I bitched and moaned about everything. My back started to act up, which it only does when I'm stressed and have been on my feet all day. I sprained my back a few years back from a kick boxing class I took in college and it has never been the same. I should be doing exercises to strengthen the muscles, but I haven't. So a full day of customers who needed special attention and hand holding as they shopped and coworkers who forgot their common sense at home, has me wanting to cry.
I got in my car after work and called Chancho. He did have me in a good mood until we started talking about his mother. I wanted to have dinner with him tonight, but his mother did too. She wins. It's her turn to have dinner with him and I think it will be for a while as her father has just passed away and she needs all the support she can get. He wants me to hang out at his place while they have dinner, but that's something I'm not comfortable with, at least not anymore after the "incident". His mother doesn't agree with us getting back together and refuses to initiate any conversation until I do. (I find that so mature.) However, there seems to be a culture difference in that aspect. According to Chancho, in his culture it is appropriate for the guest who is coming into the house to say hello first to the host. Yet, here, correct me if I'm wrong, it's more appropriate for the host to greet the guest first, when they arrive. I've never really put much thought into before because normally it's just whoever says hi first, then that's it, but I guess in Peru it's an insult for the guest not to say hi first. I've been working on making it a point to say hello first when arriving at their house, but sometimes, it just slips my mind or I'm preoccupied, or what have you. Another issue is saying good-bye. Most of the time I don't search the family out to say good-bye because they're in their bedroom with the door closed and I don't feel like it's appropriate to knock on the door to announce that I'm leaving. Also, I'm shy in that respect, I think because of the language barrier. I have never fully felt comfortable in talking to his family and it's definitely showing here. One, I can't really understand them through the accent and two, because sometimes, they don't make sense to me. It's a challenge, but I haven't let it discourage me from making conversation when the time is right. It's something that I'm going to have to deal with because it's not going to go away and it's important to me to have his family approve/like me.
I'm planning a weekend get-away for Chancho and I. It's time for us to escape the madness for a few days to just focus on us. Revamp ourselves away from outside pressures. I'm thinking a bed and breakfast or a hotel, a few hours away and cheap. Now, we just need to find some dates that fit both our schedules.

Quote of the day: Maybe it did take a crisis to get to know yourself; maybe you needed to get whacked hard by life before you understood what you wanted out of it.
-Jodi Picoult, Handle With Care 
Listening to:  "Life After You" by Daughtry

Doing My Thing

In celebration of my brother's birthday I headed to New Jersey Saturday. I was supposed to work until 5pm, but because my manager was leaving early for a wedding he said I could leave early too. I was out by 2:30pm. It was a quiet evening with everyone outside on their newly built deck. My brother built it earlier in the week. It came out nice, shaped like a hexagon. A few drinks were had along with some grilled food. They had Bubba Burgers. I've always had regular Bubba Burgers, but they had Onion Bubba Burgers and my mouth was watering for them. I wound up eating 3 that night. But besides the burgers they had hot dogs, chicken and sausage. One of my sister-in-laws friends was there and she got a tad wasted, which turned into our entertainment for the night as she pranced around, tried to light a lighter as a cigarette, drank everyone's floating beers, attempted to play a few games and then passed out on the couch, but not before stripping off her pants.
The guys played a game they invented themselves out of posts hammered into the ground and beer bottles on top. They then threw a frisbee at the bottle to try and knock it off. They literally played it all night long. I sat with my sister-in-law, the drunkie, and a girlfriend of my brother's friend. As the sun went down we migrated over to the fire pit and sat by the warmth of the fire. Eventually we all trickled inside to head in for the night.
It was a good birthday party. Now I'm off for the week. Chancho was supposed to have the week off as well. In fact that was the reason behind me taking the week off was because he took it off. However, because he's a workaholic he'll be working every day this week. Today he's working a paid detail and then the rest of the week he's working at the deli covering for the owner. Which means, no vacation for us. In the beginning when he first told me this I was upset. Very upset. In fact, I think I still am, but s l o w l y letting it go. When he first told me he had to work I thought to myself alright, only a few hours here and there to fill in for someone. That's okay. We won't be able to go away, but we would still be able to go to the beach more days out of the week than normal. But now, he's working every day and until 3pm. Which means no beach, or anything else. So I'm putting on my big girl pants and making plans for myself. Today I'm off to go mattress shopping. I'm determined to put up my bed that's been sitting in the living room for 5 months now. It will get done this week. Hopefully, by me doing my own thing and keeping myself active while he's at work will let me let go of this frustration.

Quote of the Day: "There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it or leave it."
Listening to: "Misery" by Maroon 5

Moment of Weakness

It's been one of those days for me. Actually, one those nights. My day went rather well. It started out with work in the morning and then heading off to Chancho's for a BBQ. It was a great BBQ filled with friends and family. It was a great mixture. I enjoyed it since I had some English speaking people to talk to, rather than starring blankly off into my daydreams, like usual. Chancho grilled on his new grill, which worked great! He grilled the usual hamburgers and hot dogs, along with chicken (marinated in Peruvian spices) and salmon stuffed with crab meat. All delicious! A few drinks intertwined and laughter keeping it lively.
Here enters my moment of weakness. All of our friends had left around 4pm, but the family stayed. Chancho and I watched the Yankee game together and then after the game he went to his usual spot in front of the computer to read his Yankee articles. This is a routine that he has every night. He reads as many articles as he can to catch up on all of the facts and controversy that's going on. I settled in to watch a movie while he finished, but he never did. I wound up watching 2 movies by myself. So that would be about 4 hours of alone time, while he sat and read. I let it get to me. I made him focus a bit on us when we made reservations for our camping trip coming up at the end of May. He asked if I wanted other people to come along and I responded with "No, I'd like to just spend it with you." He said back, "but it's more fun with other people." Insulted. He has more fun with other people than spending alone time with me?? Quick background here, he'll be in Peru for the majority of May so it would be nice for us to spend some alone time when he gets back. I will give him bonus points for coming back a week early to take this camping trip with me, but I was honestly hurt that he didn't want it to be just us. Call me crazy, or whatever, but it hurt.
The ride home went as such.
Me: "Do you understand why I want it to be just us?"
Chancho: "No, it's not like you won't see me for the entire week."
Me: "Remember how we had a conversation about quality vs quantity time? This is about quality time."
Chancho: "So you wouldn't consider today to be a quality time day?"
Me: "Not necessarily. It could be filed under both, but that's not the focus. Our trip together, it would be nice to see you alone for a few days."
Chancho: yawns "I'm tired. I should head home."
Me: "I only bring this up because lately I've been craving the physical attention from you. We talk all the time and I love that. I love the fact we can talk while you're at work now, but now I need the physical side of it.  Do you feel like you don't get enough physical attention?"
Chancho: "No. I don't feel that way at all."
Me: crushed and tears are forming."Okay, well then I guess we need to practice juggling our quality and quantity days."
Chancho: "Yeah, I guess so. I'm really tired. I need to go home."

We kiss goodnight and here I am. I am feeling frustrated and worn out by it. I feel like I am trying to communicate to make things better and he doesn't give any feed back. It was like talking to a brick wall, plus the fact that I feel like he has disconnected himself in some way. He just goes through the motions now. Yet, he puts on a happy face and when I ask him if he is happy and if there's anything he needs to vent about or let out, he says no, he's fine. Sometimes, I think it's just easier to not say anything at all. I should let it all just pass over. I'm sure that by next week, things will be smooth sailing, but as for tonight, I'm still confused, frustrated, hurt and feeling lonely.