Friday, September 9, 2011

In the Arms of an Angel

It's been an extremely rough week for me. And this weekend doesn't seem to look all that much better.
First, let me start with saying, I was going about 3-4 weeks of not having had spent more than, oh let's say, 15 minutes of awake time with Chancho. And we live together. The joy of having opposite schedules. I would be falling asleep as he was getting home and he would be deep asleep as I would be leaving for work. So needless to say, I was on edge. So close to falling off with any tiny push. I needed quality time, really just some face time. I was back to being engaged to my phone. Saturday, we were supposed to have the afternoon together, but while I was on my way home from work, I got a text saying that he was at his mother's spending time with her. I was pissed. We had planned an afternoon together and he blew me off for his mother. I went for a run. I sweated myself into a calmer mindset. And good thing because Sunday morning I got a phone call from my father saying I needed to get to the rehabilitation center to see my grandmother. She was heading downhill and fast.
I arrived at the center as she was dosing off. She did wake to see me and smiled. But for the rest of the day she was sleeping.They were giving her morphine every hour to keep her out of pain. There was one hour they didn't get to her in time and she woke screaming in pain. It was the most difficult thing to have to watch. I felt so incredibly helpless. There she was laying in bed not really being able to move and in torture. I don't want to remember that. I want to remember the better times and I'm upset that I didn't arrive earlier in the morning because my dad told me a story that just brings a smile to my face. The nurse had asked the family to step outside for a moment so they could reposition her and when the nurse told my grandmother that the family was coming back in, my grandmother thought she said they were coming back in to sing to her. They aren't sure how she heard that, but none the less, my family went in and sang to her. The first song that popped into there head was 99 bottles of beer on the wall. There they were singing to her and she was smiling and waving her hands like she was conducting them. That was the last happy memory of her. I wish I had gone sooner. My aunt told me that she had talked to her earlier in the day and my grandmother said she wasn't ready to go into the light. That she saw it and pushed through coming back to us. So I sat and watched her sleep and wondered why after all this time was she not ready to let go? Was it fear? Did she have something left undone? Did she think she was strong enough to fight through the cancer and pain? Or did she just want to stay with her family? I never got an answer from her. The morphine dosage was increased to every half hour and soon she lost blood circulation to her feet, turning them black. She was transferred to the near by hospital and Tuesday morning at 5:20am she finally let go. My father called and all I could her was him crying. I asked if he got the phone call and he responded with a "Yes, she's finally in peace." I drove down to my parents to spend the day with them. My brother came, along with my sister and brother in law. My two aunts came as well. It was really nice to be surrounded by everyone. At dinner, my aunt passed out cards to my dad and other aunt. Apparently, my grandmother had written letters to them, before she got too sick. I think it will help my dad, more than she will ever know. God has you in His keeping. I have you in my heart. Forever.
Then Wednesday, I was called in for Jury Duty. They released me because I am no longer a resident of the county they called me for.
And of course, this weekend. The anniversary weekend. The threat level is as high as it can get. I am praying that nothing happens. I am praying that they stop anything before it does happen. And most of all I am praying for all LEOs. Chancho has already been told to expect to be kept over night into the week. 
However, I do have some exciting and uplifting news. My brother and SIL are expecting! Not only are they expecting, but they are expecting TWINS!! I seriously cannot wait to be an AUNT!

Quote of the Day: "The wind has taken you. You're free finally at peace. So still you lie. Leaving your cares behind. The pain is gone with the spirit in your eyes. Now you're above us wandering around above us. Looking downwards as we cry. You've flown in the wind escaping all the hurt within. Took to the sky leaving the world behind."  - Mariah Carey, "The Wind"
Listening to: "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan


  1. I can't imagine what your week has been like. I hope that it will get better. Thanks for sharing all of the ups and downs. I hope you get some time with your man, some peace in greiving and excitement in the anticipation of being an aunt!!

  2. I'm getting to this a bit late. I'm sorry. So sorry for your loss. That was very much how it was with my grandma too. I know how it feels.

    And being engaged to your phone...well, I get that too. Hugs. I hope it is getting better.

    Oh! And twins!!! Congratualtions, Auntie!