The Ripple Effect

Today was a...not so great day. No matter how hard I tried to look at the brighter side or remind myself that whatever was bothering me was small compared to what other people were facing, I just couldn't get myself out of the grumpy, cranky, stomp my feet mood. I think I'm burnt out. I had a 47 hour work week. The first of my new availability taking effect. I think this may have been a bad choice. Bad in the way that my feet hurt, I don't have my down time, and I was thrown into it. There was no gradual increase in hours.
Everything today annoyed me. Then it irritated me. Then I bitched and moaned about everything. My back started to act up, which it only does when I'm stressed and have been on my feet all day. I sprained my back a few years back from a kick boxing class I took in college and it has never been the same. I should be doing exercises to strengthen the muscles, but I haven't. So a full day of customers who needed special attention and hand holding as they shopped and coworkers who forgot their common sense at home, has me wanting to cry.
I got in my car after work and called Chancho. He did have me in a good mood until we started talking about his mother. I wanted to have dinner with him tonight, but his mother did too. She wins. It's her turn to have dinner with him and I think it will be for a while as her father has just passed away and she needs all the support she can get. He wants me to hang out at his place while they have dinner, but that's something I'm not comfortable with, at least not anymore after the "incident". His mother doesn't agree with us getting back together and refuses to initiate any conversation until I do. (I find that so mature.) However, there seems to be a culture difference in that aspect. According to Chancho, in his culture it is appropriate for the guest who is coming into the house to say hello first to the host. Yet, here, correct me if I'm wrong, it's more appropriate for the host to greet the guest first, when they arrive. I've never really put much thought into before because normally it's just whoever says hi first, then that's it, but I guess in Peru it's an insult for the guest not to say hi first. I've been working on making it a point to say hello first when arriving at their house, but sometimes, it just slips my mind or I'm preoccupied, or what have you. Another issue is saying good-bye. Most of the time I don't search the family out to say good-bye because they're in their bedroom with the door closed and I don't feel like it's appropriate to knock on the door to announce that I'm leaving. Also, I'm shy in that respect, I think because of the language barrier. I have never fully felt comfortable in talking to his family and it's definitely showing here. One, I can't really understand them through the accent and two, because sometimes, they don't make sense to me. It's a challenge, but I haven't let it discourage me from making conversation when the time is right. It's something that I'm going to have to deal with because it's not going to go away and it's important to me to have his family approve/like me.
I'm planning a weekend get-away for Chancho and I. It's time for us to escape the madness for a few days to just focus on us. Revamp ourselves away from outside pressures. I'm thinking a bed and breakfast or a hotel, a few hours away and cheap. Now, we just need to find some dates that fit both our schedules.

Quote of the day: Maybe it did take a crisis to get to know yourself; maybe you needed to get whacked hard by life before you understood what you wanted out of it.
-Jodi Picoult, Handle With Care 
Listening to:  "Life After You" by Daughtry

Fetching & Eggs

Foxy has officially begun to fetch. She started to do it on her own while I was laying in bed. She would just hop up onto it with a toy and play with it on the bed. I tossed it off because I didn't want her distracting me and she came back with it. I didn't notice what she was doing until about the 5th time that I tossed it off, getting even more annoyed, then it hit me, she was retrieving what I was throwing! So from that day on we were working with her to bring her toys to back us. She LOVES it! Right now her favorite toy is a crumbled up piece of paper. Go figure. The tinier the better. Next on the list is getting her to sit and stay. Then we'll see about getting her fixed so she can go outside! 


Here's a picture of the first egg I got to eat from our baby chicks! I now remember why I always hate eating eggs out, they just aren't as good!

At the Drop of a Hat

Chancho's grandfather passed away Sunday. With that phone call, he was off to Peru. I got the two missed phone calls while I was at work. I quickly called back during my break and tried to figure out what I could do for him, but my shift didn't end until 7pm. He needed someone to drive him and his sister to the airport so I pleaded with my manager to let me go 5 hours early and he denied me. Then Chancho called to say that his sister forgot her passport! Of all things! I still could not leave early. I felt so helpless. I tried calling friends and family to see if they could help, but of course they were all working or not answering their phones. Luckily, they made it back to the airport on time, only to sit and wait 5 hours on the runway because the tower wouldn't let any planes leave. Then, to keep them waiting longer, the weather became a problem. They missed their connecting flight in Mexico. I got a phone call from him this afternoon. They're going sightseeing to pass the time because it doesn't leave until 5pm. (Hopefully they're leaving now.) 5 hours later they should be landing safely in Peru. The cremation is tomorrow afternoon along with the memorial service. His return flight is Thursday. I can't wait to give him a huge hug and kiss.

A picture of us from when my roommate was visiting.

What a world-wind week and a half. It's been a miserable day out today so I've been laying in bed, cuddling with Foxy and watching movies. I'm preparing for my busy week. I'm working all 7 days. In fact I don't have a day off until next Wed.

Getting his frustrations out while chopping wood with my dad - therapy session

Chancho starts graduate school this Friday. Another adventure for us. I can't believe that summer is finally coming to an end. I feel like it went by all too fast and I am not ready at all for the cold weather.

Quote of the Day: “Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.” - Alex Tan
Listening to: "Kissin U" by Miranda Cosgrove

...It wasn't over. It still isn't over.

A lot of harsh actions were taken in these past few days. There has been a lot of confusion and a lot hurt being tossed around. However, I believe that love can conquer a lot of things. True, unconditional love, is what we have. The past few days have been god awful, but a few lines that Chancho has said to me will stay with me forever. I am so grateful to have him back in my life. He has decided to take me back and work through this. We need one another. We are who we are supposed to be with. We both know this and we can't let one night of alcohol and insecurities get in the way of the rest of our lives. We both have learned a great deal from this and I think this can only make our relationship stronger. There is a lot to work on for the both of us individually and we're both agreeing to be patient with one another.
It's crazy how many emotions I have been feeling in this past week. I don't think my body can handle any more. I really beat myself up over this and I should have reached out for help, but in my mind, I didn't know how. I shut down. Thankfully, I have the best friends and family that were there by my side, regardless of the situation. And of course all of your kind words were a great help. It's wonderful knowing that even "strangers" are here to help you when you are at your lowest.
For now, we are enjoying the new found appreciation for one another and learning more about ourselves as the days go by. I know our families are uncertain of how we will work out, but by our conversations, I believe that we can make it through the worst now. It's all one day at a time. But I am enjoying this make-up time, if ya know what I mean....
We both went crazy in reacting to this short lived break up and jam packed our schedules with work. I even spoke to my manager and asked for full time. Which they are willing to consider after a few months of a test run with me. This is what I need to help us in saving up for our house (yes, we're still going to buy a house together), but it is also going to give us the space and time that we need to heal our wounds. It's going to be a long process, which I wish we never would have had to have gone through. He had great, exciting plans for that question to be asked in the very near future, but now, I have ruined it and it's all about building us back up to a better place.

Quote of the Day: "So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday." -The Notebook 
Listening to: "Here In Your Arms" by Hellogoodbye

Done

Chancho broke up with me Saturday morning. It was a result of my careless and drunken behaviors.  I am devastated and a complete mess. I don't know if there is any way to get passed this....

August 8th

2 years ago Chancho and I made it official. We weren't to see anyone else, we wanted to be exclusive. Taking it back even further, 8 years, we met in high school. Our close friend Zach was our mutual friend. Chancho was interested. He thought I was cute. I on the other hand had no interest. I don't even remember the first time we hung out together. That's how oblivious I was to him. But sooner rather than later he found his way into my life. He kept at it, showing up to gatherings more often, even driving 5 hours to be at my house for party I was throwing. There was a night he was so sick he should have been home in bed, but he insisted on going to play pool so that he could spend time with me. I had grown to have a big crush on him, but by that time it was too late. I lost my chance with him. He was graduating high school and joining the Air Force. A short time after that he was shipped off to Afghanistan. I was determined to keep in contact with him so we made a promise that we would. At  his going away party we exchanged watches. He took my watch and I took his. He promised that he would be back for his watch once his tour was over. He spent a year over there, that ultimately changed him. He came back and left the Air Force. He wanted out after seeing his best friend die in front of him. He finished up school at Alfred instead of Princeton where he started and that was the end of our contact. We never got to exchange our watches back.
Then, 2 years ago, he showed up on his motorcycle to a baby shower in Zach's backyard. I remember hearing the motorcycle's engine and me walking towards the driveway with this confused look wondering who this guy was driving a motorcycle. When he took off his helmet, those butterflies of a school girl came rushing back. We said hi, but separated for the majority of the night. I spotted him later in the evening sitting by himself by the fire so I walked over and plopped myself next to him. We started chatting about his job, that's when I found out he was a cop. I told him I was criminal justice major and then we started talking about the Yankees. He said that he always goes to games by himself because no one else is a big fan. Here I enter. I quickly jumped on it. We exchanged numbers so that if either one of us got tickets and needed someone to go with we'd have each other. He explained to me how he was coming out of a 4 year relationship and was happy to have friends to hang out with again. He said he was sorry for not being around and that he was ready to be a better friend.
The next day I got a text message from him asking me if I wanted to meet him for some ice cream. I agreed to meet him and we sat and talked for a good 3 hours outside of Carvel. I wound up getting a parking ticket because we were talking for so long. He was leaving for Peru the next day. Later I found out that I was the last person he talked to before he left and the first person he talked to when he got back. We quickly became close friends as I was dealing with a break up myself. We were each others shoulders to cry on. We took spontaneous trips to the zoo, drive in movies, aquariums, and even made it a goal to visit every playground in the surrounding areas. At this time he was working with 3 days of work and then 3 days off so it worked out well being able to spend that much time together. We got along so well.
Then Zach's barbecue happened and that night we got into a fight because Chancho saw me chatting it up with another guy. It was an innocent chat, but he was jealous. I explained that if wanted me that things would have to be official. So that's when it happened. I was leaving for school at the end of the month, but he said he would do the long distance for me. But first he would need to take me out on an official date. The day of the date he sent me a dozen roses at work. He picked me up at my house and drove me into the city. He was taking me on a dinner cruise around Manhattan. It was truly a perfect evening.

Here we are 2 years later. I've fallen deeply in love with him. Trying my best to understand and live the lifestyle of a cop and finding myself along the way. It's been the greatest thing. Even though it can get pretty bad, I wouldn't leave him.

Quote of the Day: "Finally I have found a place into which I fit perfectly, safely, and securely with no doubts, fears, sadness, or tears. This place is filled with happiness and laughter, yet it is spacious enough to allow me the freedom to move around, to live my life, and to be myself. This wonderful place, which I never believed really existed, I have found finally in your arms, in your heart, in your love."
Listening to: "Here In Your Arms" by Hellogoodbye

Retirement Partay

At the age of 42. How lucky to retire after 20 years and be 42. Chancho and I attended his partner's husband's retirement party last night. It was a formal affair, which was nice. As Chancho put it "It'll be a nice change of pace for us." Which was very true. We're usually lounging around in our tshirts and shorts watching TV all night. The last time we got fancied up was for my sister's wedding over a year ago. In fact I wore the same dress for her rehearsal dinner to the party last night.
We started out late because Chancho left his wallet in his shorts, didn't transfer the pocket full o' stuff to his suit pants. Then we hit traffic. It was stop and go for about a half hour. We didn't think we'd make it on time with it being an hour away, but with Chancho's quick maneuvers and thinking we found another route and made it there in 45 minutes. It was at Pier 9, which is a beautiful place. There were fountains right in the front and a Cinderella carriage all lit up out front. Perfect for a wedding. In fact there was a bride entering the place as we were walking up. The hostess asked if we were there for the wedding. We joked and said we'll let you know once we see how our party is.
We were the first few people to arrive. There was one other couple there before us. The woman who gave me Foxy was there as well. I showed her a few pictures of Foxy and she got emotional. As more people came the more names and faces came flooding towards me. I did know a good portion of the people from the BBQ. That was very helpful. Then there were the other 35 people I didn't know. And neither did Chancho. We kept the bar busy. There was a happy hour before the reception so we were comfortable there. The place had a separate room for pictures where everything was green. The ceiling, the floor was an awful flowery pattern and the walls were green too. But to make it all worth while there were live plants with a waterfall and a bridge going over it to a gazebo. Everyone kept saying how beautiful it would be for a wedding. Chancho and I looked at one another and said "actually it's quite ugly". At least we were on the same page.
I kept asking Chancho why he wasn't introducing me to more people and he explained to me that there's an unwritten rule about speaking to people that are not in your rank. So another words if he saw a guy who was say a Lt. he wouldn't be able to go up to him and say "hey how are ya?" because he's above him. Unless he works with him everyday and knows him on a first name basis there shouldn't be any contact. So technically he "knew" everyone, but couldn't say hi to them.
The reception started. It was an awkward start as the DJ did an awful job of introducing the retiring officer. He literally just spoke the guys name off of a card and said "Here is P.O. J. He is retiring." He didn't shout it or get the guests involved. It was lame. He didn't even play music. So the guy just walks into the room. Awkwardly as everyone is starring at him. Chancho looks at me and goes "NO. Absolutely not!" Chancho doesn't want a retirement party. This just confirmed it for him.
There were a few speeches made, that weren't well planned or thought out, which made it even more awkward. We were sitting at an all couples table. Chancho knew 3 out of the 4 couples. The one couple he didn't know we made a bet as to who the cop was in the relationship and we both said the woman. Turns out we were right. The man had the "deer in the head lights" look to him. She was grilling me the entire night and had this "Bitch don't mess with me" look. They played Spanish music all night long, which would have been fine, except 70% of the guests were White. No one really danced, but Chancho and I danced to one of his favorite songs. Don't ask me the name of it, but I had fun attempting to swing my hips.
Dinner was announced, buffet style, which was okay. The food wasn't that great. I was expecting something better for the place that we were in, but it did the trick. Soon after dinner we started planning our escape. We settled on the story of me having to get up early for work and we had to drive an hour back. Both statements were false, but it worked out well.

Quote of the Day: "'You can't get stuck on what should have happened. That doesn't help you.'" - Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom
Listening to: "Mine" by Taylor Swift

Finally.

5 Months later. My bed is finally in my room. Yesterday was the most productive day I've had in a really long time.
Monday morning I was up and out shopping for a mattress. Found one and got it sent to my house for Tuesday. The wonderful time from from 2-6pm. I had a shit load of work to accomplish before then.
Monday night Chancho and I tackled the task of removing an over-sized sleeper sofa out of my upstairs bedroom. Let me just say that there are only a few dents on the walls on the way down the stairs and the doorway is a little scratched up. But the couch is out of my room for good! I'm disappointed that we couldn't donate it, but I think someone may pick it up out of the garbage. It is just sitting on the side of the road. Along with the coach went my twin sized bed. Instead of fussing with it around the corners of the stairs, because my staircase isn't a straight shot upstairs, it has two sharp corners, we got a saw out and sawed the bed in half. It was hot and sticky that night so we called it a night and went to bed.
Tuesday morning I was up early, way too early for a day off, but Chancho had to be at the deli by 630am. I couldn't fall back to sleep. Plus, my room was a disaster.

I started to tackle this mess and bed building around 9am after I got myself up from the couch and tore myself away from the Law & Order SVU marathon. I prepared myself for the dust bunnies and everything else that might come my way.

 I began by tossing a lot of stuff. I then swept the floor. I vacuumed the floor and then mopped the floor. I have never seen such dirty water before. I don't think the floor has been washed in 23 years or more. Once the floor was done drying I started the building process of my new bed. 

The directions told me it would take 2 people. Well, there was only me and no one to call. So I did it myself. They should rewrite those directions.

I even dragged out the power tools because the screw driver wasn't cutting it. Once everything was in place, I cleaned up some of the garbage from the packaging and positioned it in the right spot.

I cleaned the stairway and the hallway for the mattress guys. I ate some lunch and waited...and waited. They showed up at 530pm. Then informed me that I couldn't just put the mattress on the support beams. I would need something like plywood to support it. Determined to sleep on the bed that night I made Chancho take me to Home Depot for plywood. The first Home Depot we went to, their cutting station was broken so we had to go to another one. Then we stopped off at Bed Bath & Beyond for new sheets and comforter set.
I was finally satisfied that I could sleep there so Chancho took me to go see Inception, which I enjoyed! He bought candy, popcorn and soda. His way of making up to me that he's working all week. I keep telling him that he can't bribe me, but he knows the way to my heart is food.
Well last night we slept like babies in the new bed. There was even room for Foxy. I love it. I can't get out of it. This may be my downfall.

Quote of the Day: “In times of great stress or adversity, it’s always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive.” - Lee Iacocca
Listening to: "Billionaire" by Travis McCoy ft. Bruno Mars

Doing My Thing

In celebration of my brother's birthday I headed to New Jersey Saturday. I was supposed to work until 5pm, but because my manager was leaving early for a wedding he said I could leave early too. I was out by 2:30pm. It was a quiet evening with everyone outside on their newly built deck. My brother built it earlier in the week. It came out nice, shaped like a hexagon. A few drinks were had along with some grilled food. They had Bubba Burgers. I've always had regular Bubba Burgers, but they had Onion Bubba Burgers and my mouth was watering for them. I wound up eating 3 that night. But besides the burgers they had hot dogs, chicken and sausage. One of my sister-in-laws friends was there and she got a tad wasted, which turned into our entertainment for the night as she pranced around, tried to light a lighter as a cigarette, drank everyone's floating beers, attempted to play a few games and then passed out on the couch, but not before stripping off her pants.
The guys played a game they invented themselves out of posts hammered into the ground and beer bottles on top. They then threw a frisbee at the bottle to try and knock it off. They literally played it all night long. I sat with my sister-in-law, the drunkie, and a girlfriend of my brother's friend. As the sun went down we migrated over to the fire pit and sat by the warmth of the fire. Eventually we all trickled inside to head in for the night.
It was a good birthday party. Now I'm off for the week. Chancho was supposed to have the week off as well. In fact that was the reason behind me taking the week off was because he took it off. However, because he's a workaholic he'll be working every day this week. Today he's working a paid detail and then the rest of the week he's working at the deli covering for the owner. Which means, no vacation for us. In the beginning when he first told me this I was upset. Very upset. In fact, I think I still am, but s l o w l y letting it go. When he first told me he had to work I thought to myself alright, only a few hours here and there to fill in for someone. That's okay. We won't be able to go away, but we would still be able to go to the beach more days out of the week than normal. But now, he's working every day and until 3pm. Which means no beach, or anything else. So I'm putting on my big girl pants and making plans for myself. Today I'm off to go mattress shopping. I'm determined to put up my bed that's been sitting in the living room for 5 months now. It will get done this week. Hopefully, by me doing my own thing and keeping myself active while he's at work will let me let go of this frustration.

Quote of the Day: "There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it or leave it."
Listening to: "Misery" by Maroon 5