It's been one of those days for me. Actually, one those nights. My day went rather well. It started out with work in the morning and then heading off to Chancho's for a BBQ. It was a great BBQ filled with friends and family. It was a great mixture. I enjoyed it since I had some English speaking people to talk to, rather than starring blankly off into my daydreams, like usual. Chancho grilled on his new grill, which worked great! He grilled the usual hamburgers and hot dogs, along with chicken (marinated in Peruvian spices) and salmon stuffed with crab meat. All delicious! A few drinks intertwined and laughter keeping it lively.
Here enters my moment of weakness. All of our friends had left around 4pm, but the family stayed. Chancho and I watched the Yankee game together and then after the game he went to his usual spot in front of the computer to read his Yankee articles. This is a routine that he has every night. He reads as many articles as he can to catch up on all of the facts and controversy that's going on. I settled in to watch a movie while he finished, but he never did. I wound up watching 2 movies by myself. So that would be about 4 hours of alone time, while he sat and read. I let it get to me. I made him focus a bit on us when we made reservations for our camping trip coming up at the end of May. He asked if I wanted other people to come along and I responded with "No, I'd like to just spend it with you." He said back, "but it's more fun with other people." Insulted. He has more fun with other people than spending alone time with me?? Quick background here, he'll be in Peru for the majority of May so it would be nice for us to spend some alone time when he gets back. I will give him bonus points for coming back a week early to take this camping trip with me, but I was honestly hurt that he didn't want it to be just us. Call me crazy, or whatever, but it hurt.
The ride home went as such.
Me: "Do you understand why I want it to be just us?"
Chancho: "No, it's not like you won't see me for the entire week."
Me: "Remember how we had a conversation about quality vs quantity time? This is about quality time."
Chancho: "So you wouldn't consider today to be a quality time day?"
Me: "Not necessarily. It could be filed under both, but that's not the focus. Our trip together, it would be nice to see you alone for a few days."
Chancho: yawns "I'm tired. I should head home."
Me: "I only bring this up because lately I've been craving the physical attention from you. We talk all the time and I love that. I love the fact we can talk while you're at work now, but now I need the physical side of it. Do you feel like you don't get enough physical attention?"
Chancho: "No. I don't feel that way at all."
Me: crushed and tears are forming."Okay, well then I guess we need to practice juggling our quality and quantity days."
Chancho: "Yeah, I guess so. I'm really tired. I need to go home."
We kiss goodnight and here I am. I am feeling frustrated and worn out by it. I feel like I am trying to communicate to make things better and he doesn't give any feed back. It was like talking to a brick wall, plus the fact that I feel like he has disconnected himself in some way. He just goes through the motions now. Yet, he puts on a happy face and when I ask him if he is happy and if there's anything he needs to vent about or let out, he says no, he's fine. Sometimes, I think it's just easier to not say anything at all. I should let it all just pass over. I'm sure that by next week, things will be smooth sailing, but as for tonight, I'm still confused, frustrated, hurt and feeling lonely.
Dead Poets Society Revisited
2 days ago